lack of purpose. lack of focus. lack of direction. lack of motivation.

“without challenge we rot, body and soul.”

a quote from one of the best books i ever read as a kid, One More River. it’s by lynn reid banks (am i spelling her name right?). she’s most famous for her Indian in the Cupboard series (which was mangled by the short-lived movie, but was nonetheless an amazing group of books).

and more recently… ah baz.

a life lived in fear is a life half lived.

…i’ve heard another theory. one that gives me more hope, because god knows i live in constant fear.

that maybe bravery is not not being afraid. but being afraid and doing what needs to be done, what scares us, anyway.

a life lived… with fear, but not hiding from the things that cause it.

do not be afraid.

i am terrified.

and i think i am paralyzed. by no one other than myself.

i can’t– i am failing, anyway, at– challenging myself. here in this place of easy stasis, i do not challenge myself. not even to take care of myself, i cannot meet that challenge. i am slowly rotting, and paying the bills on the way. mostly. if i can even keep up with that.

they call it running away, but i call it running towards- something. towards doing something worthwhile. every minute trickles by so fucking fast. a less eloquent way than was ever used to talk about time. carpe diem, seize the day. these days are running together with no discernible progress, moving me, moving nowhere. why am i here, no that’s a worthless question, because when will there ever be a solid, clear answer? i doubt there ever will except perhaps in retrospect. the question is, what the fuck am i doing wasting this time???

i’ve struggled with this molasses for years, since fucking puberty. WHY. dammit. my cross and i’m just throwing it down, melting into it. no, this is not a cross, this is a sphinx at the gate and instead of sitting and thinking, i am just sitting, i am just giving up, turning around, walking away.

discipline. it’s gone.

okay. one thing at a time.

anything at a time.

i’m losing focus even on beauty. even on anything mattering.