Coloradah

Justin, one of the boys from Texas, left today to go on a long cruise with his family, down in Mexico and Jamaica… and Somewhere else too. I don’t remember where. I am jealous that he gets to be with his family. I miss mine.

But things are going better today. Well. Sort of. I am either in very good graces, or very bad ones, or completely ignore-ed ones, the last because I’m “the new girl.” Which would be fine with me.

Before I start on the update, let me insert here:

A) I do have email, so if you want to communicate with me, write me an email!!! I look forward to hearing from y’all. Or leave a comment here, if you can. I obviously haven’t put a whole lot of work into the bones of the blog, so I don’t know if you can leave a comment if you’re not a Xanga person… But if you can, do it!

B) If I gave you a mailing address, FORGET IT. It is WRONG. I think it will go to the main offices, whatever IT may be, and be lost forever. I am trying to figure out my real address up here at Grand Lake. I will try to send out some mail myself (I found the mail drop box today!), and when I have the real address, I’ll let you know and then if you want I can email it to you. But until then, scratch out the old address! Your well-meaning letter will be sucked into the same void that takes all the left-handed gloves in the world.

Okay. Back to today.

It’s only 7:30 tonight, and already I’ve had a nice walk down to the end of town, and a good old fashioned restaurant hamburger at one of the bar-and-grills. The Rockies were playing on TV, loud pop music was playing above the roar of the diners, and I was wearing my regular converse tennishoes as well as a pair of shorts which are so loose and flowy compared to my wrangler pant that I keep thinking I’m wearing a skirt. I may not be able to dress like I used to when I get back. Now my body understands the whole get-up. Nice tight pants, a good shirt tucked in, a pair of solid boots, and my hat. It feels right. I have no idea how I look– probably silly– but you know what? Screw it. It works. Those clothes exist for a reason.

Anyway. Tonight. We got done early (probably would have been done early enough to get coffee if not for the series of stupidity which leaves me wondering where my graces lay), and I made my way into city clothes, to seem like a city person. It is nice, I tell you. I got away, and it was my time. My sunlight slowly fading, my anonymous restaurant visit (how weird is it that most waiters never really know your name? Cheers had something going for it…), my slightly jolting walk (because where are my heels?  the sides of my shoes? these converse are so small and light!). All of this was mine. And I still have some hours left. Maybe I’ll head back soon and get an early night of sleep. I’ll probably need it. I wouldn’t be surprised if we had a rude awakening.

Let us take a step back.

This morning, Justin was still with us. Our barn-call was 5:45, but we all thought 5:30. I was up at 5.

Let us now pretend this is a little play.

“A Day in the Life of an Upstart Wrangler”

The Characters:

Will: Short, unsure, but “a hard worker”: unable, as of yet, to mount a horse without some sort of natural or man-provided assistant.
Josh: The boss. Currently working as Fry Cook, much to his displeasure, and in charge of the workings of the ranch. Former sheriff and wanna-be-actor. Generally works the “front of the house”, helping customers and keeping track of money.
Arturro: A skinny, tough son-of-a-bitch. Used to climb, and lost a buddy in a bad accident. Long time wrangler and worker at other tough jobs. He has crooked teeth and a long, mean face. He is racist, sexist, and a general asshole, but also “has an eye for composition” and is a buddhist (perhaps). Knows and loves horses well; will generally flip out the most if a horse is hurt or badly tended. Often called “Turro”.
Justin: Texan to the core. A pair of pretty eyes and a sweet face encompassing extreme arrogence and good horsemanship. Proud of his looks and fond of asking people questions he knows the answer to, so that he can correct them.
Andy: Shorter than the lead, and stronger than all of the other wranglers, maybe even combined. Sweet and boyish: sports a dirty blond mustache and a walk like a bulldog. Always ready with a joke or a smile. Never, ever prepared to take responsibility for mistakes.
Ben: Sweet, to the core. A constant smile; a big heart. But spacey. Very, very spacey.

Act 1: Scene 1: The Barn

The wranglers (minus Josh and Arturro) walk in. Will heads to the left side. The other wranglers are laughing and making crude jokes.

Will: Should I brush and hand cinches over?

Justin: Yeah. That’s fine.

Andy: You know where to brush?

Will: Yeah–

Andy: Right here, where the saddle goes, and where the cinch goes.

Will: Okay. Should I do feedbags too?

Justin: Yeah.

Calling to each other and clucking at the horses, the wranglers drop the chain to let the horses enter into the queue, where they will be saddled, haltered, and given grainbags.

Enter Arturro.

Turro: Okay, guys, now look. We need to make sure this is done right, okay? Because I don’t want to yell at ya’ll. So Ben. Ben!

Ben: Yep?

Turro. I’ll put the halters on, I want you to go over there and put the feedbags on.

Ben obliges. The wranglers go to their work, calling commands (“Cinch! Okay, hand that bridal band over,” etc.) and talking. Arturro gives almost dumbed-down instructions for the benefit of the newbie (Will), and constantly points things out to Andy and Ben, who have been in trouble lately.

At one point, Justin gives a terse command to Will. She jumps to, but Turro gives a shout.

Turro: No! Don’t do that yet. Justin, you need to remember that you are nothing but a wrangler. (This is said with heavy distain– not at the idea of a wrangler, but at the idea of Justin thinking he was better than that.)

The wranglers continue. Ben is frustrated with his job.

Ben: I can’t do this guys. I’m not doing anything!

Andy: No, just stay there.

Justin: This is how it works, okay. You’re doing what you need to.

Later, Ben is laughing and joking. He has already gotten in trouble for putting a feedbag on incorrectly, and for not checking the feedbags for holes.

Ben puts a feedbag over the head of a fat yellow horse, whose name, ironically, is Ben.

Turro: No! Ben! What are you doing?! Get that feedbag off that horse. Did you not see that there is no halter on that horse? Pay attention! Wake up, man, stop doing those drugs! What the hell are you thinking?

Ben: I was thinking this guy would be haltered already.

Turro: You KNOW that horse doesn’t get feed. There are two horses that do not get fed. How many times do I have to say it. It’s like beating a dead (expletive)! God damn! Damn it, Ben, pay attention.

Justin is laughing, while Andy is quiet. Will continues to work on the cinch she is holding.

Justin: (Laughing.) At the very least, didn’t you notice he didn’t have a harness? I mean, come on. At the very least!

Turro: I can’t take no more.

There is a heavy pause, muffled only by the noise of the horses and Justin laughing and muttering “At the very least!” Ben tries to laugh it off. Will moves to adjust the saddle of another horse.

Turro: Okay. You know what? You’re gonna ride this horse. Ben, today this is your guide horse.

Ben stares at him.

Ben: …Why?

Turro: Because I need you to learn your lesson, that’s why. You won’t never forget this. (He’s laughing now, and Justin has started back up.) That’s your guide horse.

The wranglers continue to work. Ben continues to make mistakes. Turro’s fury builds the rest of the day.

End Scene.

—

Okay. So, that’s kind of what all started it. Well, I think it’s been building for a while. I like Ben. I think he’s nice. But he is– a total space case. He is completely unaware. He just kind of drifts around. That can’t happen! There’s too much stuff going on, and it’s too dangerous to make mistakes like he kept on making. The feedbag is one thing. But leaving saddles undone, or driving crazy… it’s dangerous.

I only did one ride today, and that went okay– I almost got thrown when my horses tail got tangled in a line and he flipped out– but it was more or less run of the mill. It was my first ride on my own. It happened because Turro told me, I want you to earn your money today. You’re a hard worker.

I’ve heard that phrase– that set of words demonstrating the only currency I really have– so many times these past few days I’ve stopped saying thanks, or anything really. I just hope it stays true.

I think Turro has been saying that in contrast to Ben. At least partially.

After we got the breakfast ride out (I messed up the pancake batter, sort of– one tally against), we started on a manure run. So far we haven’t done any “scooping” in the paddocks. But today we went out in an old beater of a truck and picked up all the trails our horses leave on the roads and other public areas. It was good tough work, and I got a good sweat on. All those years with the dogs helped me out, I think. I don’t know if it showed, but I was completely comfortable.

We didn’t bring the best tools out the first time. so we went back to get a shovel. It was me and Ben in the back of the pickup (which was full of shit, mind you), and Arturro driving. He’d stop and we’d jump out and scoop the problem area up into the truck. Ben was being especially spacey. The bottom of his boot came off at one point, and he just laughed and laughed. Turro was getting frustrated.

When we went back to the barn to get the shovel, Ben messed up what he was supposed to grab. Turro flipped out. Almost quietly, he told Ben to stay there and put the horses on the rail away, that he couldn’t take it any more, Ben was making Turro too mad.

So then it was just me and Turro. (Forgive the bad grammar you Enlish professors, majors, and connoisseurs: I’m being colloquial.) I was apprehensive but ready to work. As we got going, Turro began to gripe. Ben was driving him nuts, he was completely out of it, this had been happening forever…

Then he asked me, after a small pause, “I’m not too hard on you guys, am I?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. He sounded– I don’t know, almost sad.

“I don’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want people to think I’m an asshole. But, man… But I get a guilty concience, you know? After I yell at people.”

I said, after a moment, that he was hard. But that it was necessary. Maybe I should have said something else. At the moment, it was what I thought. Ben was frustrating me too.

So we had some good QT, Arturro and I. I even began to like him a bit. He is grizzly, maybe JUST grizzle… but there was something that wanted to be kind in him. And I guess I just can’t resist seeing good in people.

I did my ride, then painted a sign. Turro made Josh take a wheelbarrow up a hill and scoop up there. Ben was not pleased. It was the only time I’d seen anything but a happy open look on his face, when he rolled his eyes at that. Turro was trying to break him.

Eventually, there were no more rides signed up, so Turro told me and Ben to go finish the shit run (there was a bit left to do), while he and Josh and Andy (Justin left in the morning) broke down half the horses (which means dismantling saddles and halters). When Ben and I got back, we’d do the rest altogether, and then be done. Maybe, I thought, Maybe  I could go to the coffee shop for real!

Ben and I started off.

He was driving me nuts. Missing piles left and right. I’d have to knock on the window and then run back. I was trying to do a good job– and as a leftover from my mushing days, I was pretty anal retentive. Maybe this is where my fall began. Because it took us a while. I have to admit– I was a little frustrated. Ben sat in the car and waited for me to work; when Turro and I did it, he jumped out and helped. I don’t know if it would have gone faster. Probably it would have all gone faster if I hadn’t been so meticulous. Then Ben dropped his phone on the ground. Then we went down a trail we didn’t need to (but I thought we had needed to).

So we got back late.

“What happened?” asked Josh, in his unassuming way. I knew we were late already. I was prepared to take it on me, because Ben was so deep in it already.

“It’s my fault. I was trying to be thorough.” Or something like that. I don’t know.

Josh said, “Oh,” in an inscrutable way, and Turro bee-lined for Ben. He started whisper-yelling at him, Turro’s eyes wide and Ben standing solidly unsure.

As Turro angry walked my way, I told him: “It’s my fault. I was trying to be too thorough.”

“I’m done.” That’s all he said, and brushed by me. He was pissed.

Later he pulled Ben aside. I don’t know what he said. I’m sure it wasn’t nice. I felt horrible. I had been over-meticulous. But I was trying to juggle the repercussions of being late versus the repercussions of doing a bad job.

Ben made the bad mistake of telling Turro we had done a really good job, and that’s why we were late. I am sure Turro went to look, and found our work lacking. It was. There was a lot of shit, and only a little of me, and Ben did not stop for all of it. But tomorrow, or tonight– I think either Ben, or I, or both, will eat those words.

Andy, Josh, and Turro went for a ride tonight. I could tell Ben was desperate to be out there– it’s what lights him up, these horses. He really does love them. But they went without us. Since they were planning this ride before my mistake of slowness, I am assuming I was not left out because of being in the shithole. I think it’s because I don’t know enough yet, and would slow them down. That’s okay, because I got my my time tonight. But Ben looked– heartbroken. He sat at the kitchen table while I washed dishes (in silence he stared at me hard and finally said, “You’re a hard worker.”), and finally said, totally vulnerably– “I don’t know what to do.”

“Tonight?” I asked… But I think he meant in general. About this ranch.

Apparently, they told him he’d be doing pack-out fishing trips. There haven’t been any of those, yet, and I don’t think Turro would let Ben go, right now. Ben likes to fish. He looked so forlorn when he told me that.

I didn’t know what to do, or say.

Even if I am in trouble for being slow, I am not in as much trouble as he is.

And in a really sick way, I am kind of relieved. Because I’m working my way up the pack. I don’t need to be high in status. I just don’t want to be where Ben is.

That’s selfish.

I feel really horrible for him. And my heart opens up at his vulnerability just like it did at Turro’s. Now I agree with both of them. I don’t know. I wish he could just shape up a little– pay better attention. Work at it.

Maybe, maybe this will be a wakeup call. To get on board. To wake up a little.

If I could help him– tell him when he’s not doing something right, quietly, so they didn’t see– I would. But I don’t know what I’m doing, much less what he’s doing.

I hope he doesn’t get fired. I really, really hope that.

This is a strange little society. It’s supposed to be a team– that’s what Turro wants– but I think the way he’s working pits us against each other. Unless it gives us all a common enemy in him. But he talked to me. I can’t see him as enemy anymore. Maybe because I’m crazy.

Fourth of July is a traditional 4 am barn call. I don’t even know what today is.

Tonight, I walked out to the end of town because at the end of town is… a theatre! I real one, with plays! Granted, they are Oklahoma and Urine Town… but still. Theatre people! So I went to the box office and probably seemed nuts while I told the Box Office Manager that I was desperate to talk to my kind, not in a southern accent or swear words, and how was the show, really? As a theatre person? And he nervously told me the lighting was great (which made me desperately happy), and sort of laughed as I kept referring to “us”, the theatre people. I’m going to go stalk the repertory company some more so I can see if I can make liberal friends.

To quickly answer some questions:

I am NOT sick of steak yet. Tonight we didn’t have a steak fry, but I still had MEAT. I need the protein. My normal diet right now is 2 pancakes + eggs in the morning, a sandwich or banana around 2, and MEAT in the evening. That’s all there is to eat, and I don’t feel like snacks right now. So, it’s probably healthy in some ways. My body has actually been questing after fruit and vegetable these days. I’m going to try to russle up some brocolli soon.

I DO have email! Email me!

Oh, back to steak. Everyone eats it. It’s for the customers, for the evening steak fry, but we get fed with them (actually after them). It’s tasty!

Well, I guess that’s all for now.

I hope all is well with everyone. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far.

-Will

PS Oops I forgot Laundry Boy. Well… maybe it’s a plot twist that is going to keep subtly appearing and won’t flesh out until the final episode.