dear

i’m searching for something amazing to read. i’m searching for something phenomenal to watch. i’m listening to the same strong-beating pop song over and over again.

it is simple, easier than it ever should be, to shut myself up in this roach-infested box. the disaster that really is my head. when i am outside of this box, i am acting. i am tired, i am exhausted of acting. and the mess in here is driving me slowly mad. if i could be at work all the time, i would.

i cannot believe a person i knew, who i knew so well and touched more often than other people i knew– i cannot believe she is gone. dead. i don’t know what that means. i don’t know how to confront that, i doubt i want to even try. i wonder how he holds himself together. i need to call my grandfather. i need to call my grandmother. they are alone, and obviously i am not there enough to lean on– but i can feel them leaning on me.

small, furry companion having whimpering dreams at my feet. i did not ask for him, i did not seek him out. i do not always want him. easier to even further isolate without him.

if you do not want to have a conversation about us, that is fine. if you do not want to have a conversation at all, i can handle that. if i know that is the case. in both cases. i just need to know. so i am not seeping energy into expecting, hoping for those things. i don’t have energy to siphon off that way. i would ask for that one thing. just, knowing if you do not want to talk, or what you don’t want to talk about, or if you just need time. because although i’m sure you are overwhelmed by your world, full of goals and deadlines, papers and trips, things i don’t even know or fathom– i don’t know. and doubt corrodes my edges.