i am cold. full, but uncapitalized. lonely. feeling the thrill of potential of this town, and the cute girl at the pizza shop. and the anxiety of doing anything wrong. being really sick of and in love with horses. it is raining. i don’t want to live in the dungeon of disney world. this really is disney world. nice little stores, nice little hotels to stay in. everything is clean and happy. it is really, really weird.
the truth is. i am not as brave as i might seem. my intrepid spirit is perpetually crushed. the only thing i really have– this like, the miserable hours and days last summer– is dog-like tenacity. just hanging on. because there is nothing else to do, except hang on.
but i miss the twin cities. i miss not working this hard. i miss coffee and comfort. i miss people who don’t mind me being whatever i am. i miss a nice room, clean. without bugs, without damp.
today was amazing and hard. i am tired. of this.
but i guess that happens. happened last summer. the truth is, i do not feel that brave, or tough, or hard working. i feel tired.
well, i guess that’s the real deal.
but i hang on. because i know it will bear fruit. of memory, of what i learn. something.
but being here. is tough.
i hang on to the strange possibilities of disney world. of the rocky mt. rep scene shop, which smells like home, and the pockets of people inhabiting the little disney exhibitions and rides.
futureloseroftomorrow
yeah, sometimes it’s worth slogging through shit just to gain the memories. Memories have such a dampening effect on everything, pleasure and peace become a haze. Hell and high water becomes an entertainment.
ohlalalady
If it helps at all I am thinking of you and am very proud when I told the U of M girls who work in the lab with me about my awesome friend Will who worked on a fishing boat, dog sledding and now is on a dude ranch.
The bravest thing was saying yes to this opprotunity, and the rest is just riding the waves of your decision.